Take the Pen Pal Match Maker Quiz and find your circle of sisters. Real Letters. Real Women. Real Community.

ep 25 - When Community Hurts You | How Matthew 18 & 1 Corinthians 13 Help You Heal From Offense

9/25/202610 min read

Series: Open the Door | Part 3
Previous episodes: Part 1 — Opening the Door to New Friendships | Part 2 — Gather Around the Table

EPISODE OVERVIEW

We have been talking about community for a few weeks now, opening the door to new friendships, and what it looks like to practice biblical hospitality around a real table. Today, though, we have to talk about the part of community that nobody puts on the welcome brochure: what happens when the church is the thing that hurts you.

Before we go any further I want to be very clear about what this episode is and what it is not.

This episode is for minor grievances between brothers and sisters in Christ. . .the normal, human, inevitable moments where we hurt each other simply by being people walking together in community. This is NOT for abuse and NOT for spiritual or emotional manipulation. If you are dealing with any of those things, that is a completely different conversation and it requires a completely different response. Please reach out to your local authority in the case of abuse, and please tell a trusted person in your life. The Bible makes no room for abuse and neither does this podcast.

THE 7 LETTERS CLUB

Before we jump in, a quick word about the 7 Letters Club. I literally made this with you in mind. I know the power of letter writing, connecting with each other, and pouring ourselves out on paper. All the details are on my website.

theologyandtestimony.com and click on what is the 7 Letters Club. There is also a fun quiz to help you find out what kind of pen pal writer you are.

With all that said, let's get into it.

MIKI'S STORY: PART ONE (REBELLION)

About ten years ago, I was in a season of rebellion. I am not going to pretend otherwise. I had moved states and was staying with a family who had generously opened their home to me during a time when I was honestly trying to figure out how to do life without God because He was not opening the doors I wanted opened. I had decided I was just going to get it done myself.

Because of choices I made during that season, I ended up being asked to leave this family's home. They told me they did not want me in their church, and they cut me out.

That was truly and genuinely one of the hardest things I have had to walk through.

I spent weeks crying and months feeling shame, humiliation and embarrassment, and some of what happened did not have to go the way it went. I do believe, looking back, that there may have been a better way to respond to what I had done, especially coming from a pastoral position of leadership, but I also know that I was responsible for the choices I made. I was in my rebellion. I contributed to how that family responded to me.

And so after months of processing it, God worked in my heart to the point where I was able to sit down and write them a long letter. I apologized. I said: In my rebellion to God, I hurt your family and for that I am sorry. I sought forgiveness, and it was extended. We were able to move on and there was nothing left hanging in the air between us.

What came out of that season was something I did not expect. It became the point where my relationship with Christ stopped being religion and started being real because at some point you will be challenged on what you actually do with what you know. Knowledge puffs up, but when you add understanding and wisdom, when you seek insight the way Proverbs tells us to, when you stop just knowing about Christ and start actually knowing Christ, walking hand in hand with Him as Lord and Master, everything changes. That season of church hurt is what broke me out of head knowledge and into something real.

MIKI'S STORY: PART TWO (ACCIDENTAL OFFENSE)

When I got back home to Jacksonville after that season, there was a sister at church who kept completely avoiding me. She would not look me in the eyes, would not greet me and when I would try to smile at her, she would just bypass me entirely.

Eventually I pulled her aside after church and asked her directly: is there something I did that caused you offense?

She sighed and said yes, and when she explained it I was genuinely shocked because I had absolutely no idea. One Sunday, my dad had to preach, which he always did in Haitian Creole while I translated into English. I had been so locked in my own head getting ready to translate that when she came and said something to me I completely ignored her and acted very distant without even realizing it.

When she explained what happened, I immediately apologized. I told her why it happened, and I explained that when I know I have to translate for my dad I get extremely nervous and so caught up in my head trying to prepare that I genuinely struggle to be present in the moment and can even come off mean. She received it, we hugged it out, and our relationship did not just get back to where it was. . .it got so much better.

I was the perpetrator in that situation. I was part of the problem, and what is beautiful about walking with Christ is that sometimes He allows these moments not to shame us but to show us how we contribute to the environments we are in and how we can help bridge gaps rather than widen them.

A THIRD EXAMPLE: THE LINE BETWEEN CHURCH HURT AND SPIRITUAL MANIPULATION

I want to mention a situation I heard about because I think it helps clarify the difference between what this episode is about and what it is not.

A pastor once called a young woman in her early twenties, and instead of pastoral care, he proceeded to curse her and call down the power of God against her because of something she had said.

When I heard that it genuinely made my blood boil, and it should because there is absolutely no place in Scripture where a shepherd calls a curse down on one of the sheep God has placed under his care. That is not church hurt in the minor grievance sense. That is spiritual manipulation and abuse of a pastoral position. That is the kind of thing you remove yourself from completely and do not feel guilty about.

The distinction matters, and I want to make sure we are clear on it before we get into the biblical framework for resolving normal conflict, because these two things require completely different responses.

THE BIBLICAL FRAMEWORK FOR CONFRONTATION: MATTHEW 18:15-17

Matthew 18:15-17 ESV

"If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector."

Jesus gives us an actual process here. A clear, stepwise path to conflict resolution within the community of believers.

Step 1: Go to them alone.

If someone has caused you offense, go to them privately. Ask them to grab coffee. Pull them aside after church. Tell them what happened and how it affected you. Give them the chance to respond, to apologize, and reconcile.

This is what I wish had happened with the sister who stopped looking at me. She could have come to me much sooner and said: hey, this is what happened because I was completely ignorant of what I had done. The gap appeared and I could not even find where it started.

If you are on the receiving end, give them the benefit of the doubt before you assume the worst. A lot of times what looks like intentional hurt is actually someone operating in complete unawareness.

A note for women confronting a male leader:

I learned this the hard way. If you are a woman and the person who has caused you offense is a male leader, a pastor, an elder, or a deacon, I would recommend not going alone first. Go with your husband if you are married, or go with an elder or two alongside you, and when you do go, I would not necessarily go in with full detail about every specific offense. I would simply say: I want to confess that there has been bitterness in my heart toward you. Because of what Ephesians 4 commands, I do not want to let this grow into something deeper. I am bringing it to the light so Satan cannot use it as a foothold against me anymore.

The last time I tried to go into full detail about what a leader had done and how it had affected me it ended up becoming a rebuke against me, and my husband was rightfully upset because he said I should have waited until he was with me. Wisdom brings covering with it.

Step 2: Bring one or two witnesses.

If they will not listen in the private conversation, bring witnesses. This is harder in our culture because of cancel culture and the way people can feel ganged up on, but Jesus is imparting real wisdom here. The witnesses are not there to gang up on anyone. They are there to establish what happened and to provide a third-party perspective. Sometimes a person is hurting people and genuinely does not realize it. The Holy Spirit may be using you to bring something into the light that others have been silently carrying too.

Step 3: Bring it to the church.

If they still will not listen, bring it to the church leadership. This is not for petty things. This is not for the first or second offense. This is for repeated, unresolved conflict that has been through steps one and two with no resolution.

Do not make waves for no reason, but do not be afraid to make waves when they are necessary. Sometimes the Holy Spirit needs you to be the one who sharpens another believer who does not realize what they are doing.

Step 4: Let them be as a Gentile and a tax collector.

If they refuse to listen even to the church, Jesus says to treat them as a Gentile and a tax collector. To the Jewish people at that time, tax collectors were considered the lowest of the low. People who had sold out their own community for personal gain. Jesus is saying: if someone has gone through this entire process and still refuses to listen and refuses to reconcile, at that point you draw a boundary. You protect yourself.

And that is okay.

HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO FORGIVE?

Right after this passage in Matthew 18, Peter asks Jesus: how many times should I forgive my brother who sins against me? 7 times?

Jesus says not 7 times but 77 times.

This matters because the Matthew 18 process is not for the first offense. It’s not for every passing hurt. We are called to long suffering, patience, and bearing with one another. There is going to be a lot that we extend grace over without ever needing a formal process.

Again, not talking about abuse nor about manipulation. Talking about the normal, inevitable friction of doing community together as broken, forgiven, still-being-sanctified humans.

1 CORINTHIANS 13 WAS NOT JUST WRITTEN FOR WEDDINGS

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ESV

"Love is patient and kind. Love does not envy or boast. It is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way. It is not irritable or resentful. It does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

This chapter follows 1 Corinthians 12 which is entirely about spiritual gifts and how the body of Christ functions together in community. Paul transitions directly into chapter 13 to say: and here is how love operates inside all of that. This is not a wedding reading, but a community instruction.

Love bears all things. Believes all things. Hopes all things. Endures all things.

Our culture has redefined love into something that only has to work for us. If it is not benefiting me I can cut it off, but this passage asks more of us than that. It asks us to be patient, to be kind, to not be resentful, to not rejoice at wrongdoing. It asks us to bear and believe and hope and endure even when it is hard.

That is the model, and it changes everything about how we navigate church hurt when we actually let it.

in case i forget

Repeat after me.

In case I forget: love bears all things.

And in case I forget: as much as I can help it, I will seek peace.

3 THINGS TO WALK AWAY WITH

1. Take accountability for your part.
Before you identify yourself as the victim, ask God to show you how you may have contributed to the situation, not to shame you, but to free you because accountability is one of the fastest paths to reconciliation and to your own healing.

2. Follow the Matthew 18 process.
Go to them privately first. If that does not work, bring witnesses. If that does not work, bring it to the church, and if all of that fails, draw a boundary with Jesus's full guidance. But do not skip straight to step four because someone hurt your feelings once.

3. Let 1 Corinthians 13 be your community standard.
Not just for your marriage. Not just for your kids. For your church family, your circle of women, and every relationship you are trying to build inside a community. Love bears all things. As much as it is within your control, seek peace.

SCRIPTURES REFERENCED

  • Matthew 18:15-17 ESV — the biblical steps for resolving conflict between brothers and sisters

  • Matthew 18:21-22 — how many times should I forgive? 77 times

  • Matthew 5:9 — blessed are the peacemakers

  • 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ESV — love is patient, love is kind, love bears all things

  • Ephesians 4:31-32 ESV — let all bitterness and wrath be put away, be kind and tenderhearted, forgiving one another

  • Hebrews 12:14 — strive for peace with everyone and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord

  • Colossians 3:12-13 — put on kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another

  • Proverbs 4:7 — get wisdom, get understanding (referenced in context)

RESOURCES MENTIONED

JOIN THE 7 LETTERS CLUB 🌸

Your village is waiting. The 7 Letters Club is a 12-week letter writing community for women who are ready to show up for each other with intention. A small circle of three women. Prompted stationery, a journaling pen, envelopes, stamps, and a surprise, all shipped to your door.

Take the quiz at theologyandtestimony.com to find out what kind of pen pal writer you are. Then join us.

[LEARN MORE →] theologyandtestimony.com and click the 7 Letters Club tab

LET'S KEEP THE CONVERSATION GOING

Has church hurt ever kept you from wanting to go back? Or have you experienced a reconciliation story you are still grateful for? Drop it in the comments. I would genuinely love to hear from you.

Leave a review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you are listening. It helps more anchored women find this show and I am so deeply grateful for every single one. 🤍

Have a testimony you want to share on the podcast? Reach out at hello@theologyandtestimony.com and let us connect.

A NOTE ON HOW THESE SHOW NOTES ARE MADE

Every recorded episode is in my best submission to the Holy Spirit, brought to you as faithfully as I know how. The show notes are drafted by AI directly from my transcripts and then reviewed to make sure everything reflects me and this community. Full transparency always. 🤍

This is in case i forget, a space I obeyed God to create just for you. I will be looking forward to chatting with you next week. ✌🏽

🌐 theologyandtestimony.com | 📧 hello@theologyandtestimony.com

Back to Episodes

Listen on your favorite platform