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ep 23 - From Hermit Crab to Open Door (Part 1) | A Practical and Biblical Guide for Building Community

9/11/20269 min read

We are stepping away from Hebrews for a few weeks while I compile my thoughts and do some deeper research for chapter three. But the episode I am bringing you in the meantime might be one of the most practically useful ones I have recorded. We are talking about community, how to build it, how to find it, what gets in the way of it, and what the Bible actually says about why we need it so desperately. I am also being completely honest about my own hermit crab season and what it has looked like to work myself back out of it. You are not alone in this. Let's talk about it.

THE HONEST CONTEXT

Let me just be real with you before we get into the practical stuff.

I am 18 months postpartum and I am not entirely sure that still counts as postpartum, but I have been in a hermit crab season. I spent however many months home with my third child, part-time homeschooling, then full-time homeschooling, and somewhere in all of that I completely retreated. I pulled back from the connections I had been building, struggled to get back to initiating conversations, stopped showing up in spaces where I might have to put myself out there.

Now I am trying to tap back into who I naturally am, which is someone who loves people, loves talking, loves connecting, because that version of me got buried under all the transitions.

If you have been following along, you know we moved from Florida to Virginia a couple of years ago. We got pregnant a month after we moved. I started a new job, put my kids in school for the first time since my oldest was born, my husband started a new job, we bought a new house, we were in a new city, a new church. Everything that could happen was happening at once. Baptism by fire. That is honestly the only way I can describe it.

And this conversation has come up three separate times recently, with three different women, none of whom knew I had spoken to the others, and this tells me that this is not just me. This is something we need to talk about.

WHY ADULT FRIENDSHIP IS GENUINELY HARD

Here is the thing. Most of us have friends from childhood or adolescence that carried through into adulthood. Those friendships are sacred and they are real and they matter.

But life does not stop. We go to college. We get married. We have children. We move. We start new jobs. We change churches. And with every transition, the people who are still there are still there, but the people we need right here, in our immediate vicinity, do not always exist yet.

And proximity matters for community. You cannot do life deeply with someone you never actually see. Technology is genuinely amazing and I am grateful for it, but think about this: in the 1800s, writing a letter to someone across the country could take months. By horseback to the post office. By ship across the ocean. Another horseback to the next stop. And then on foot the rest of the way.

People had so little access to each other.

Today, we have someone at the literal tips of our fingers. We can reach anyone in seconds. And we have never been more disconnected. We have never been more lonely. We have never been more isolated inside our fully-connected digital lives.

That is what this episode is about. Not just community in theory. Community in practice. What it actually looks like to do the uncomfortable thing and build real friendship in a season when everything is new.

1. LOAD FIVE QUESTIONS INTO YOUR PROVERBIAL CONVERSATION CLIP

Think about a gun and the clip inside it where you load your ammo. I know that might be a weird way to put this, forgive me, but stay with me. The idea is that you walk into a room or a conversation already prepared. You are not scrambling to think of something to say. You have already loaded the questions. You just pull one out and ask.

I have five questions that I keep locked and ready in my brain for connecting with people because one of two things typically happens. Either the question you start with opens a whole web of conversation and you never even need the other four. Or the first one fizzles out and you pull out the next one.

Either way, you are not standing there in a panic trying to figure out what to say. You have already figured it out before you ever walk into the room.

Sample questions to load:

  • Are you originally from here? Is this your hometown?

  • What do you love about this city? What feels different from where you grew up?

  • What are some things you love to do when you actually have free time?

  • How long have you been at this church? What brought you here?

  • What is something you have been learning or working on lately?

Pick five that feel natural to you or come up with your own. Write them down. Put them in your phone. Practice saying them out loud until they do not feel awkward anymore, and then go use them.

The goal is not to perform a conversation. The goal is to lower the barrier so you actually start one.

2. IF YOU LOVE TO TALK, SLOW DOWN LONG ENOUGH TO MAKE HER FEEL HEARD

If you are the kind of person who has no inhibitions, approaching people comes easily, and genuinely loves talking, this one is for you.

Think about how much you love being heard. Think about what it feels like when someone is genuinely interested in you. When you can feel the connection happening and you think to yourself, oh, there is something here. We could actually be friends.

More important than what a friendship can do for you is whether or not you are making the other person feel that same way. A lot of times when we love to talk, we get so caught up in our own story that we forget to turn the microphone to the person we are trying to connect with.

Slow down. Ask more than you tell. Listen longer than you speak. Make her feel like the most interesting person in the room because she probably has something in her that someone needs to hear, including you.

3. YOUR PERSONALITY IS NOT AN EXCUSE

As a child of God, as a believer who is submitted to Jesus as the Lord and master of your life, the way you are naturally inclined is not enough of an excuse to avoid connecting with people on an intentional and genuine level.

Romans 12:10 says: "Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves."

That verse does not have a personality clause attached to it. It does not say be devoted unless you are introverted. It does not say honor one another unless you are more comfortable being alone.

Here is the other thing. Chances are if you are the quieter, more observant kind of person, you have been watching. You have been analyzing. You have a perspective on life and the people around you that someone desperately needs to hear. And maybe you have just been giving yourself permission to keep that hidden.

That is not humility. That is withholding a blessing from someone who is waiting for it.

The Holy Spirit empowers you to do what does not come naturally. That is the whole point of 2 Corinthians 12:9: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness."

If community does not come easily to you, you are the exact person that verse was written for. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you cross the barrier. He will.

A PRACTICAL SUGGESTION: INVITE SOMEONE FOR COFFEE

I have genuinely never had someone tell me no to coffee. There is something about a coffee shop, a cozy corner, a slow hour with no agenda, that makes people more open than any formal setting ever could.

If you struggle to connect after church, or you have met someone you think could be a real friend, just ask. Hey, would you want to grab coffee sometime? That is the whole invitation. That is it.

Bring your five questions. Show up. Listen. And let the Holy Spirit do the rest.

THE THEOLOGY OF COMMUNITY

I want to root all of this in something deeper because I think it matters.

God Himself is community. The Trinity, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, three persons, one God, in eternal relationship with each other, is the most fundamental picture of community that exists. He does not just value community. He is community.

And from the very beginning of Scripture, we see His heart for it. Genesis 2:18: "It is not good for man to be alone."

But sin entered the world and corrupted everything, including community. The first nuclear family, Adam, Eve, Cain, and Abel, ended in murder. That is how quickly sin broke what God created for beauty and connection.

And yet all the way through Scripture, from Genesis to Revelation, we see God working to restore what sin broke. Jesus comes and He reestablishes a new kind of community: One that is sacrificial, selfless and built on the two greatest commandments: love God with everything you are, and love your neighbor as yourself.

That is the kind of community we are called to. Not the kind that requires the right personality or the right season or the right circumstances. The kind that requires surrender to what God has said is good and what He has created us for.

We are not meant to live this life alone. That is not just a feeling. It is theology.

THREE PRACTICAL TAKEAWAYS

1. Load five questions into your proverbial conversation clip before you walk into any room. You do not have to figure out what to say in the moment. Prepare before you get there and then just show up.

2. Whether you love to talk or tend to retreat, the call to community is the same. Love does not hide behind a personality. Someone is waiting for your ear, your perspective, your presence. And the Holy Spirit empowers you to do what does not come naturally.

3. Start small and start somewhere. Invite someone for coffee. Stay after church for ten more minutes than you usually do. Ask one question you would not normally ask. Community is built in small, consistent, intentional moments. It starts with one.

APPLICATION FOR ANCHORED WOMEN

You are in a season. Maybe it is a transition. Maybe it is postpartum. Maybe it is a new city or a new church or just a long stretch of days where you have not let anyone really see you. Whatever it is, the village you are looking for is not going to come knocking on your door.

You have to go build it. One question, one coffee, one conversation at a time.

You were made for this. And the God who is community Himself will meet you in every awkward, uncomfortable, courage-requiring moment it takes to get there.

SCRIPTURES REFERENCED

  • Genesis 2:18 — it is not good for man to be alone

  • Genesis 4 — Cain and Abel; sin corrupting the first community

  • Romans 12:10 ESV — be devoted to one another in love, honor one another above yourselves

  • 2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV — my grace is sufficient for you, my strength is made perfect in weakness

  • John 14-15 — the Holy Spirit as counselor and guide (referenced in context)

  • Matthew 22:37-39 — love God and love your neighbor as yourself

RESOURCES MENTIONED

JOIN THE 7 LETTERS CLUB 🌸

If this whole episode is about finding your village, the 7 Letters Club is the most tangible next step. A small circle of three women. Prompted stationery, a journaling pen, envelopes, stamps, and a surprise, all shipped to your door. Plus a fun quiz on the website to help you find out what kind of pen pal writer you are.

All you have to do is show up and write.

[TAKE THE QUIZ →] https://www.theologyandtestimony.com/penpal-matchmaker-quiz
[LEARN MORE →] https://www.theologyandtestimony.com/the-7-letters-club

LEAVE A REVIEW

If this episode helped you, please stop before you move on to your next thing and leave a review on Apple Podcasts. Click on the show title, scroll all the way to the bottom, and hit review. It takes less than two minutes and it helps more women find this show. I would love to get at least three reviews by the end of the month. I would be so, so, so grateful. 🤍

LET'S KEEP THE CONVERSATION GOING

Where are you in your community journey right now? Are you in a hermit crab season? Are you in a new city trying to find your people? Drop a comment on whatever platform you are listening on. I genuinely want to hear from you.

Have a testimony you want to share on the podcast? Reach out at mcgarrypodcasts@gmail.com and let's connect. 🤍

A NOTE ON HOW THESE SHOW NOTES ARE MADE

Every recorded episode is purely the Holy Spirit, studied through Logos Bible Software and brought to you as faithfully as I know how. I do not use AI to build the studies or the teaching. The show notes are drafted with the help of AI directly from my transcripts, then reviewed to make sure everything reflects me and this community. Full transparency always. 🤍

If you are anything like me, it does not take much to forget God's faithfulness and His goodness. Between social media distractions and life's everyday dose of hardships, I am fighting for my life trying to hold on tight to the hem of Jesus. Don't think I've got it all together. I don't. But that's why I'm inviting you into this space with me for on-point and on-time biblical truths to help us anchor when life would have us burn out and drift. This is in case i forget. I am your host Miki. Peace. ✌🏽

🌐 theologyandtestimony.com | 📧 mcgarrypodcasts@gmail.com

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